Shut up, Fitz: 6×01 “Survival of the Fittest”

Welcome to “Shut up, Fitz,” my weekly recaps of Scandal how terrible Fitz is. Because I don’t care how many times Shonda Rhimes tells us Olitz are “endgame” (ugh, vomit): Fitz is an attempted rapist, a spoiled brat, and an all-around entitled white guy. Fuck Fitz, and fuck this ship. Join me each week as I review Fitz’s most annoying, manbaby-ish moments.

I’ll give it to Fitz: he was surprisingly tolerable for much of this episode. When Mellie told him that she was wrong to think he was a spoiled brat (nope, not wrong), and he said, “Let’s not pretend I’m a good person,” I was like, WORD. Then, when he finally, FINALLY admitted his oodles and oodles of white cis male privilege (“Me being hungry for power is like a drowning man wanting a bath.”) I was like YES. And I started to have a sort of existential crisis: was I starting to like Fitz??  Continue reading “Shut up, Fitz: 6×01 “Survival of the Fittest””

Bernie Sanders joins Rob Schneider in the “Shut the f*ck up about MLK” club

As it turns out, Rob Schneider isn’t the only white man who likes to whitesplain Martin Luther King Jr. As a big Bernie fan (but not a BernieBro), I was shocked to see his utterly tone-deaf Facebook post about MLK this weekend, which basically said, “On this day, let’s remember what MLK did for white people.”

The full post reads (emphasis mine):

Martin Luther King, Jr. was not just a great African-American civil rights leader. He was much more than that. He was one of the great American leaders in modern history, a man of extraordinary courage. Dr. King helped lead the fight not just against racism, but against the unjust and immoral Vietnam War. He led the fight to fundamentally change our national priorities, questioning why we spent so much on the military, and so little for human needs. And please remember: when he was assassinated in Memphis, Tennessee, he was standing alongside exploited garbage collectors and their union in the fight for decent wages and working conditions.

Oh, lordy. Where to start.


Continue reading “Bernie Sanders joins Rob Schneider in the “Shut the f*ck up about MLK” club”

Jonathan Franzen’s novels are almost as sexist as his interviews

Oh, Jonathan Franzen. More than anyone else on the literary landscape today, he is the author that feminists (including myself) love to hate. I have nothing new to say about his many misogynistic statements, including his displeasure at his Oprah’s Book Club selection because only women would read it, that feminists only hate him because they “need a villain,” and, of course, an entire essay about Edith Wharton’s perceived ugliness. But with all of the hubbub about his personal sexism, relatively little has been said about sexism within the pages of his novels. And it’s there. Oh, is it there.

And not only in his latest work, Purity, which at times sounds more like the incoherent ramblings of your alt-right uncle at Thanksgiving dinner about those “damn feminists” than an award-winning novel. It includes, among other things, a feminist character who forces her partner to sit down while he pees to “atone for his maleness.” No, seriously. Continue reading “Jonathan Franzen’s novels are almost as sexist as his interviews”

House Republican criticizes Obama for being too “utopian”

House Republicans have already made so many questionable choices this year, it’s hard to know where to begin. So instead of going all the way down that rabbit hole, I’m going to take the opportunity to make fun of this absurdly stupid Facebook post from Representative Paul Gosar of Arizona, who wants to end the “War on American Suburbs” (a term that I believe was coined by Breitbart, because that’s the world we live in now), and hates on Obama for being “utopian.”

The full post (above) includes this absurd sentence:

The Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing (AFFH) rule marks President Obama’s most aggressive attempt yet to force his utopian ideology on American communities disguised under the banner of ‘fairness.’

He’s absolutely right. How DARE Obama try to force us to live in a utopia?? I’d much rather live in a dystopia!! (Oh, wait…)

What’s next, Dems? Ethics committees? Healthcare for poor people? WHERE DOES IT END???

Continue reading “House Republican criticizes Obama for being too “utopian””

Logan Huntzberger was always a spoiled, two-bit waste of a trust fund

After the Gilmore Girls revival, even the most devoted Logan fans had trouble defending him. What kind of asshole carries on a long-term affair with his college girlfriend while he’s ENGAGED, accepts calls from the other woman while in bed with his fiancée, and enlists his friends (who are presumably going to the wedding) to participate in an elaborate romantic gesture for his mistress? What a fucking sleazebucket.

Yes, it’s easy to jump on the bandwagon and hate on Logan now. But to all the fans who argue that the revival “ruined” the character: Logan was always the fucking worst. He was always a snot-nosed, entitled brat with about as much substance as a marshmallow–and yes, he was always a misogynist.

Let’s review, shall we? Continue reading “Logan Huntzberger was always a spoiled, two-bit waste of a trust fund”

Let’s All Be Nutcrackers

While I was in college, I garnered several off-color nicknames, including Feminazi, Man-Hater, and Maneater (that last one makes me sound much cooler than I actually was). But the most inexplicable–and funniest–moniker I received was The Emasculator.

A little background on me: I may be foul-mouthed and pugnacious in my writing, but in person, I am much more mild-mannered and subdued. And as a nervous college freshman, I was even quieter than I am now, my manner often described by others as “sweet,” “innocent,” and “fresh-faced.” If anything, I was conforming to sexist stereotypes of femininity, not particularly subverting them.

But still–I was called an “Emasculator.” Why? According to one of my hallmates, because I “just treat everyone exactly the same, whether they’re a man or a woman.” In other words, I didn’t “treat men like they were men.”

But what the hell does that mean, exactly? How am I supposed to treat a “man”? With deference? With an endless string of compliments flattering his strength and virility? Am I supposed to adopt a flirtatious demeanor by default, laugh at his jokes even if they aren’t funny, avoid subjects like menstruation and birth control, wear flat shoes if he’s less than two inches taller than me?

Well, pardon my French, but fuck that noise. If being an “emasculator” means neglecting to cater to the insecurities of privileged men, then let’s all be emasculators. Join me as I skewer all of the worst examples of toxic masculinity: the “Nice Guys,” the purity fetishists, the mansplainers/manterruptors, the Brogressives, the “free speech absolutists,” the manbabies, the Bernie Bros, the Gamergaters. Because let’s be real, every asshole needs a good nutcracking every once in a while.

Image Credit: Jennifer Rubell